Relationships

When entering the world of shidduchim, one is faced with many questions. What should I ask? What should I be looking for? How do I know if this is the right one? The weight of these questions is immense because this is not just about meeting someone—it is about finding the one with whom to build an eternal home, a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael. The process can feel overwhelming, but the Torah gives us the framework to navigate this journey with clarity and purpose.

The first thing to recognize is that questions are not just about information; they are about values. The goal of asking questions is not simply to check off a list, but to gain insight into the other person’s character, their ideals, their goals in avodas Hashem. What defines them? What do they strive for? What are their aspirations in ruchniyus? These are the questions that truly matter, because when all the external details fade, it is the essence of a person that remains.

Chazal tell us that the foundation of a home is Torah, chessed, and yiras Shamayim. These should be the guiding principles in shidduch questions. Does this person have a sincere desire to grow in Torah? Do they have a giving heart? Do they live with an awareness of Hashem in their daily life? While it is tempting to focus on superficial qualities, it is these fundamental traits that will determine the future of the home that will be built.

However, one must also remember that no one is perfect. The yetzer hara works tirelessly to instill doubts, to make a person feel that perhaps something is lacking, perhaps there is someone "better." But the goal is not perfection; the goal is direction. Is this person someone who desires to grow, who is working on themselves, who understands that life is a journey of constant improvement? That is the real question. Marriage is not about finding a finished product, but about finding someone with whom to build, to strive, to elevate one another in avodas Hashem.

At the same time, questions must be asked with sincerity and sensitivity. The way a person inquires about another says as much about them as it does about the one they are asking about. Shidduchim are not business transactions; they are the delicate weaving of neshamos. When asking about someone, one must do so with derech eretz, with an awareness that they are speaking about another yid, another precious neshama. The questions should not be framed in a way that is dismissive or judgmental, but rather in a way that seeks to understand.

For those going through the process, know that the answers will never be completely clear. There is no absolute certainty in this world. Even after all the research, after all the inquiries, after all the meetings, there will still be a need for emunah. Ultimately, a person must rely on their hishtadlus, their tefillos, and the guidance of those who care for them.

And for those who feel lost, who feel that they do not even know what to ask, do not despair. Hashem is mezaveg zivugim. He has already designated the right one. Your job is to approach the process with sincerity, to seek emes, to daven with all your heart, and to trust that the answers will come at the right time. Keep pushing forward. Keep strengthening your emunah. Keep believing that Hashem is guiding you every step of the way. And may all who are searching merit to find the one destined for them b’shaah tovah u’mutzlachas.

### Helpful Shidduch Questions:
1. What are your long-term goals in avodas Hashem?
2. How do you view the role of Torah learning in a marriage?
3. What are your aspirations in ruchniyus and personal growth?
4. How do you handle challenges and difficulties in life?
5. What are your expectations for family and home life?
6. How do you balance work and Torah priorities?
7. What role does chessed play in your life?
8. How do you approach disagreements and communication in relationships?
9. What inspires you in your connection to Hashem?
10. How do you envision raising children in a Torah home?
11. What are your thoughts on financial responsibility and hishtadlus?
12. How do you see your involvement in the Jewish community?
13. What are some qualities you appreciate in others?
14. What is something you are actively working on improving in yourself?
15. How do you spend your free time, and what are your hobbies?

These questions can help guide meaningful discussions and provide deeper insight into whether this is the right person to build a Torah home with.