Relationships

A relationship is one of the greatest gifts Hashem has given mankind, yet it is also one of the greatest challenges. To build a truly healthy relationship—one that is filled with love, respect, and a foundation of Torah—requires effort, self-awareness, and a deep understanding of what Hashem wants from us. In a world that often distorts the meaning of connection, it is more crucial than ever to return to the timeless wisdom of the Torah to guide us.

Chazal teach, “Ish v’isha, zachu, Shechina beineihem” (Sotah 17a)—when a husband and wife merit, the Shechina dwells between them. This means that the key to a healthy relationship is not just love, not just compatibility, but a shared commitment to inviting Hashem into the relationship. A marriage, or any close relationship, is not about two people fulfilling their own needs; it is about two people working together to create something greater than themselves.

Respect is the foundation of any relationship. The Torah commands us to honor our spouse, to speak with dignity, to recognize their strengths, and to always uplift rather than criticize. Words have power. A single kind word can build, and a single harsh word can destroy. Rav Dessler explains that true love is not about taking, but about giving. The more one gives, the more they love. This is why a parent loves their child so deeply—because they give endlessly. The same is true in marriage. When one invests in their spouse, when they think not about what they are receiving but about what they can give, love deepens in a way that cannot be broken.

But relationships are not always easy. There are moments of tension, moments of misunderstanding, moments where one feels unheard or unappreciated. In these moments, the yetzer hara whispers, “They don’t care about you. You deserve better.” But the Torah teaches the opposite. In times of challenge, one must pause and ask, “How can I improve? What is Hashem trying to teach me?” Growth comes not from running away from difficulties but from facing them with humility and patience.

A healthy relationship is not about being the same. It is about appreciating differences. The Rambam writes that just as no two faces are alike, no two minds think alike. Instead of trying to make one’s spouse into a copy of themselves, a person must learn to value their uniqueness. A husband and wife complement each other precisely because they are different, and when those differences are embraced with respect, they become a source of strength rather than conflict.

One of the most powerful tools in any relationship is simply listening. The ability to put aside one’s own thoughts, to truly hear the other person, to acknowledge their emotions without immediately trying to fix or correct them—this alone can transform a relationship. The Chazon Ish writes that most marital strife does not come from major conflicts but from a lack of understanding. When a person feels heard, they feel valued, and when they feel valued, love flourishes.

No relationship is perfect, and that is by design. Hashem places people together to refine them, to challenge them, to push them toward growth. A relationship without effort is like a plant without water—it withers. But a relationship where both partners are committed to growth, to patience, to constant self-improvement, is one that will only strengthen with time.

The world today often promotes a distorted view of relationships, one that is focused on personal happiness rather than shared mission. But a Torah relationship is built on something far deeper. It is built on the understanding that love is not a feeling—it is a choice. A choice to be patient, to be kind, to support, to build, to forgive, to appreciate.

And when a couple chooses to make their relationship a place where Hashem’s presence dwells, they are not just building a life together—they are building eternity. Because true love, real love, is not something fleeting. It is something holy, something that reflects the ultimate love between Hashem and His people. And when a relationship is built on this foundation, it will stand strong through any challenge, radiating light for generations to come.